As I was breathing today (in and out and in again) thinking about why I hold on to pain so much, why I can’t just let it go (because it had been worked through I am sure of that and that pain doesn’t even HURT anymore) I realized it is because… it’s known to me. It’s something to hold on to. It’s familiar. IT IS SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T CHANGE.
So many things flow through me every day, things that belong to other people, that come from nature, art, TV even, from sounds and smells mixed together, from my daydreams triggered by feeling somebody passing by under my skin for one second… I got used to the fact, that these things are so strong, so “grown up” (I’m over 30, but not ALL grown up) and I got used to the fact, that sometimes I cannot say, what is somebody’s and what is my own. Everything is flowing and moving and nothing stays the same under my skin and that’s fine.
But at the same time it is hard to hold on to… feeling simply my own, stable core. Looking for stability I end up leaning on feeling I experienced THE MOST, worked on the most, thought about for years and years because they are a part of me that is FOR SURE just mine and nobody else’s. I rely on memory of pain and trauma because they are so familiar! And safe!
Today I understood that I will never build typical, “normal” ego, that is a solid construct of my SELF and memory of trauma will not help me. And that’s ok. Today for the first time, while looking deep inside me for STABILITY, for something, that will not flow and change in two minutes… I found it in
AWARENESS nad ATTENTION
For the first time I felt stable, safe, I found a part of me that is just mine and will never be touched by all those things rumbling through my body and heart. That core of mine is simply being aware that I am focused on something. Fro example I meet somebody, whose anger shouts in my heart so red and hot as my own but when I remember to be aware that I am observing that anger, I never lose the “ME” inside me. I never lose the fact, that the anger is not mine. It is not what I was hoping to build… but it will be enough.
I hoped through trauma I will rebuild normal construct of “ego” I dreamed about. There’s nothing wrong with healthy ego! We need it to act in the world, to express feelings and needs, to fight for ourselves, to show openly and warmly to people. Also to put ourselves first in a healthy way. Sometimes we hold on to pain and suffering because we hope to re – build that ego, that stable feeling of SELF. For me it turned out impossible.
But now I can finally let go of all my painful memories, of that huge, heavy history that doesn’t serve any purpose anymore. I will not be who I wanted to be, I will never rebuild myself and feel like “only me” under my skin. But I will be aware. And that focus, that attention will be only mine. And that will be enough.
It is such a huge day for me today, I reached a breakthrough! I’m so happy I could share it with you, thank you so much for reading. Sorry for any English mistakes 🙂 and for writing about things that might seem obvious and abstract at the same time. It’s hard to put in words… the sudden light that shines in your mind. That new feeling of peace. All you want is SHARE it with somebody as quickly as possible! Maybe it will help somebody else too!
As it helps me.